Listening to: Day is Done
Eating: Hamburger Helper
I know that we aren't going to be a real thing. I know that I won't fall in love with you. I know you won't be the one that's my first, but yet you'll try.
I know I'll try to, and I know a week from now my feelings would've completely changed, but underneath I'll still have this one.
Maybe what scared me was the fact that you don't believe in finding the one at this age, that you won't get married, that you won't find the one to get married to. I mean, I don't just jump into a relationship because I'm crazily obsessed and plan to marry them, but what's the point in dating someone if you don't see a type of future with them?
And I know that sane part of me knows that I won't find the one I'm going to marry, but still the fact of your little dreamless imagination and mind frightens me.
I've always had a large imagination when it came to relationships, and I'm a reckless dreamer. You're not, and I don't think I could live with that.
So since I can't live with that, I highly doubt I'll fall in love with you, and just like the list of exes behind you, you'll get sick of trying for that and trying for someone who just simply won't open up, and you'll shut down and leave. And that's fine, because that's how it always is, and I can cope with that, because I haven't fully opened up to you. Or anyone, not since him.
Maybe what scared me was the fact that you're experienced. Sexually, yes. I almost feel as if in every moment alone with you I'll be pressured for sex, and I don't know... I'm just not ready for that. I was always taught that it was absolutely horrible to have sex before marriage, and now I've learned that it is not, and anyone should do anything they want. But I still wish to wait until marriage. So, maybe the fact that you've gotten virgins to have sex with you, and the fact that I couldn't satisfy you without having sex because quite frankly I don't think you're capable of falling in love.
Maybe what scared me was maybe the fact that I don't think you're capable of falling in love. I think you float on through girls because they are new and interesting and easy to you, not that you actually fall in love. If you fell in love you'd find that dreamer in you, and you don't have it.
I wish I knew how to chase you away before all of this fell out and apart, but I don't think I could. Because you think you're in love, and by standards placed by society you know what to say and do to make it so you won't run away. So I think I'll just let this all play out, and maybe I'll feel something almost real, and know that I'm still capable of loving someone, even if its not you.